


Tears Are Words The Heart Can't Say

by bubblegumclouds



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood, Coming Out, Domestic Fluff, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Premature Ejaculation, Rimming, Romance, Self-Harm, Smut, Valentine's Day, green day concert, lots of fluff, mild panic attack, underage (maybe?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 07:08:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4170648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumclouds/pseuds/bubblegumclouds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Luke's life could be the best. Other times, not so much. This is the story of how emotion can shape a person's story both ways.</p><p>(or a oneshot where Luke retells the story of each time he has seen tears, and somewhere along the way he meets Michael.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears Are Words The Heart Can't Say

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> This is my first piece of writing on here so please be kind! But I spent days on this so hopefully it should be decent enough haha.  
> I'll say most notes at the end but my twitter is @cutierobandrich if anyone wants a chat or to give me feedback! Enjoy and thank you for reading :)

Well, you see, Luke's story started in year 3. The stand out moment being the time when he was timidly walking up to his peg (the one with the dinosaur on it, of course!) and this boy was hooking his coat on Luke's peg?! Luke was outraged, how dare he! With a pouting face and a marching stomp, Luke walked up to the boy. He was dressed ridiculously in Luke's opinion, his stupid light grey school trousers that were very clearly too big for him. His silly baggy navy blue school jumper and his messy hair. The second he was stood in front of the boy was when then lost all his confidence and ended up lightly tapping the boy's shoulder. He turned swiftly and began to wait for Luke to say something, his curious face looking very innocent and dazed.

"H-Hello? Um your c-coat is on my um my peg." Luke said timidly, fiddling with his fingers and shuffling on his feet. The boy just looked up at him with his bright brown eyes filled with fear and gently unhooked and removed his coat. His bottom lip began to shake and Luke watched as his mouth fell open and his voice rang out into a sob before he suddenly began to cry under Luke's strong gaze. Luke was shocked at the boys sudden outburst of emotion and froze as he didn't quite know how to react or what to do. Seeing this, one of the teachers stepped in and carefully gestured the boy into a nearby classroom with whispers and reassurances.  
"It's okay Ashton." She comforted while he sniffled and sobbed. Luke was confused, his brows furrowing and his feet rooted to the ground, he'd never made anyone cry before and he was still so shocked at how the boy seemed to crumble under his sparkling blue eyes. That was the first time Luke had seen tears.

 

The next time was when Luke had been whizzing and screaming down the empty street on his shiny new red scooter that he had got for his 6th birthday. He was joyously playing with his best friend Calum when Calum hit a rather large stone and went toppling over the handle bars, of course, he began to cry. Looking down, he saw his own scraped, bleeding knees with terror in his eyes. This time, however, Luke's little legs sprinted back to his house and he knew what to do. His loud cries and shouts of 'mummy' echoing through the house and spilling out onto the street in an attempt to shout for help. His mother heard him and quickly ran out as Luke babbled out words like Cal-Cal, hurt, and Luke's mother, Liz, followed her son back to where Calum was wailing before she carefully scooped the small kiwi boy up into her arms. Luke followed behind them, worried about his friend, as they stepped into the house. That was the second time Luke saw tears. 

 

The third time, they were no longer someone else's, they were his own. When he was 11, the non-stop noise of mum and dad, the loud smash, the awful, heart-wrenching sobs, the repeated screams of 'no please' all became too much. From just upstairs in his cramped bedroom in the dark, he let his eyes bleed out with the little beads of sadness that had gathered within them throughout the night. He slowly curled up into the tiniest ball he could make as his body shook and he clenched his tiny hands into fists. He took gathered pieces of the red racing car duvet into his palms and squeezed it tightly, almost as tight as the invisible arm that was capturing his chest in a vice-like lock and cried, like he had never cried before.

Every emotion poured out in floods and floods and pooled into the dipped parts of the fabric. He was so confused, why did it have to turn out like this? He was only 11, he didn't know what was happening. Why was everyone so angry and upset? As he sobbed, he began to grow tired and his eyes felt like there were weights tied to his eyelashes however his last thought before he slipped into unconsciousness was, please... somebody save me. That was the third time Luke saw tears.

 

Then when he was 15. These tears were different. These, he deserved. He fully deserved them. That's what Luke told himself over and over repeatedly as those little droplets landed upon his heavily bleeding wrists. They then gruesomely mixed with the harsh red liquid as it splashed onto the floor. The pain inside him was leaking out in concentrated blobs behind the path of the stinging blade and Luke scrunched his eyes shut and for the first time in what felt like forever, he breathed. It was so strange that he finally felt, well, he felt... alive and with that frightening thought he cried again. That was the forth time Luke saw tears.

 

It wasn't too long after that (a few months) Luke saw them again. This time it was with his best friend, (and crush, but he doesn't like to mention that part) Michael. They lazily lay on the same racing car bed as Luke had when he was 11 in the same box-like room and they were just talking about their secrets. Although it had to be in hushed whispers just in case Liz decided to come upstairs and check on them. It was at that moment Michael decided to say something that had clearly been bothering him for a while, judging by the way he looked like he had overthought what he was about to say.

"Luke, I like boys in the same way other boys like girls, am I weird?" Luke's heart stuttered after the sentence had left Michael's chapped lips and the older boy's look grew into a worried one. His face grew into a small frown, worrying that his question was true. Luke caught Michael's expression change and realised he needed to reply and fast otherwise Michael would think he hated him. "N-No, it's not- not weird." He muttered shyly as the red of his blush clawed its way up Luke's pointed cheekbones and he offered a slight hint of a smile. Michael seemed completely oblivious to Luke's obvious discomfort with the topic and carried on with the secrets.  
"So, do you have any secrets Luke?" Michael innocently smiled as he leaned in close to hear what Luke had to tell him.

At this point Luke had so many options, I'm gay, I'm in love with you, I'm a sick freak who cuts himself to make himself feel alive, however none of these thoughts were things he wanted to share so he decided to go with a simple no. Then he made the fatal mistake, he, out of habit, lifted up his bent arm and lightly scratched the back of his head and at the same time his red and black sleeves on his plaid shirt scrunched up to his elbows and slowly revealed the pain-filled scars that littered his entire lower arm. Michael saw the flash of red and suddenly his eyes started to fill up.  
"L-Luke?" Michael stuttered, his rather large bottom lip starting to wobble the same way Ashton's had done in year 3 and now Luke was confused as he wondered what had got Michael so upset. "Mikey, M-Mikey what's wrong?" Luke asked, worry and confusion lacing his tone. Just then Michael reached out and captured Luke's hand gently, just like he had always done when his best friend was upset, and turned it over so his arm was on clear display. By now Luke figured out his mistake but it was too late as Michael had already grabbed the end of the soft fabric and rolled up the sleeves with care. Luke didn't even bother to struggle or pull away as Michael stared intensely at the messy, criss-crossed lines trying to decipher what they said.

"Faggot?! Stupid?!" Michael whispered as he read it aloud slowly, trying to process what Luke must have been thinking, before he hastily switched to the other arm and copied his earlier motions. What his eyes were greeted with on Luke's right arm was enough to make his heart stop beating all together, his breath hold in his throat, his small hands start to shake. Placed gruesomely in front of him, was his own name carved deep into Luke's milky white skin with two pointed hearts drawn either side. Michael drew in a sharp breath and looked at Luke who had his head bowed down, clearly too ashamed to even let his best friend see his face. Michael waited and waited for any sort of word or even a noise from the blonde boy.  
Nothing.  
So Michael sat in deafening silence just purely staring at the deep red and white lines that plagued Luke's wrists in disbelief.

His view snapped straight back to Luke's head again when he heard a heart breaking whimper. Michael suddenly realised that for the first time, Luke was crying in front of him, but very soon after he realised, he was no longer crying as his earlier whimpers had turned into hysterical sobbing. Michael couldn't take how awful Luke's cries sounded and tugged Luke in for a hug and Luke hastily obliged, clinging to Michael as if he was the only thing that would stop him from drowning. Michael clung back just as hard as tears spilled over onto his cheeks.  
"I'm sorry Michael, I'm so sorry, I'm a freak and I'm sick but I just don't know what to do anymore Mikey, I can't take the pressure and the fears, I can't do it." Luke almost shouted into Michael's damp shoulder as his large hand scrambled for a vice grip on the scratchy fabric of the back of Michael's Nirvana T-shirt.  
"Shhh Lukey, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here." Michael comfortingly whispered back to Luke's loud sobs before he gestured for Luke to pull back.

Luke now had his head down like before and tears were occasionally dripping like raindrops from his cheeks onto Michael's lap and the bed sheets. Michael gently placed a single finger under the scruff of Luke's chin to move his head up as his emerald green eyes were met by Luke's bright blue piercing ones. What Michael did next surprised Luke as he gently leaned forward and began to tenderly kiss each salty tear that fell. Michael's lips felt soft against Luke's overheated, blotchy skin and Luke closed his eyes to savour the moment.  
"I'll be here to catch you Lukey, I'll save you."  
That was the fifth time Luke saw tears.

 

The time after that was on Luke's 17th birthday when Michael was giving him his "present" (taking Luke's virginity). They'd messed around with speedy handjobs quickly before their parents came home and slippery blowjobs in restaurant bathrooms after posh meals but never had they been as intimate as when they first made love. It started with a few heated open mouthed kisses, their tongues sliding against each other and panting breaths being sighed until Michael cheekily rubbed his hands down to Luke's clothed ass and squeezed a little, giggling. Luke smiled at the adorable noise and tugged Michael so he'd fall onto the bed as Michael put his arms out and hovered over Luke. Suddenly Michael ground his hips down and Luke arched his back off the bed slightly, letting out a loud groan. His arms flew around Michael's neck, desperate for the friction to continue. They began to put everything into their kisses filled with love and hunger as Michael reached down and began undoing the metallic button of Luke's skinny jeans but suddenly he stopped. Luke whined at the halt on proceedings.

"Lukey, baby, I need to make sure that this is what you want because we don't have to do this right now." Michael whispered as he took a minute to admire Luke's beauty. His lips were shining and had been teased so much they had turned the most beautiful shade of red. His pupils were dilated, leaving only a hint of the baby blue eyes Michael adored.  
"I want to do this Mikey, I love you so much." Luke said smiling, wondering how he managed to acquire the most beautiful boy in the world.  
"If you want me to stop you just have to say." Michael said, looking concerned, this was their first time and as much as he wanted to have sex with Luke, he wanted to make sure Luke wanted it more.  
"It will be fine Michael." Luke whispered to his boyfriend as he placed a sweet kiss to the end of his nose.

Finally knowing Luke had consented and they'd discussed what they needed to, Michael leaned down and continued kissing his boyfriend as they both felt the same rushing heartbeat and breathless pants of each other. This was by far the most intimate either Michael or Luke had been with anyone and they were both nervous as various items are shedded and tossed aside. Eventually they were both left naked, looking deeply into each others eyes as, this was it. This was a huge step in their relationship however they knew each other better than themselves so the tension was eased.

Gently Michael's hands trailed down the soft skin of Luke's slender body and Michael committed each breathless whimper that left Luke to his memory. He wasted no time in getting straight into it as his hands drifted to Luke's ass and began to massage it in his palms as Luke moaned loudly into the crook of Michael neck. Even though it was only teasing, Luke could feel himself heating up. Michael trailed his pointer finger in between Luke's cheeks and traced the circle of his tight, hot hole as Luke's breathing became more rapid.  
"Nice and loud baby, want you to moan for me." Michael growled deeply into the shell of Luke's ear as he massaged the tight muscle but didn't quite push inside. Luke had never heard Michael talk like that before and he whimpered and licked at the sensitive skin of Michael's neck in appreciation. Michael leaned over and grabbed the bottle of lube from Luke's draws, he noticed the bottle was considerably emptier than when Luke first bought it in preparation for tonight.  
"Lukey, have you been using this without me baby?" Michael asked as he took Luke's earlobe into his mouth and pulled gently. Even the thought of what his boyfriend had been doing without him sent a moan up into his throat.  
"Couldn't help it Mikey, wanted you so bad, needed something" Luke answered through his shallow breaths.  
"Hmm, my naughty boy, hey? Did you think of me when your long fingers were stuffed in that beautiful ass? Wanted me to come and take care of you?" Michael groaned as his mind brought up the images of Luke hitting his prostate with those wonderful fingers for the first time. Luke desperately nodded, unable to think.  
"Use your words baby boy." Michael encouraged, pulling back to look deep into Luke's eyes as the click of the cap could be heard in the otherwise silent room.  
"W-wanted you to f-fuck me so hard, Mikey. P-please." Luke whined in reply as Michael began spreading the slippery substance around his fingers, warming it up.

"'S okay baby, I'll look after you." Michael whispered as he leant forward and pressed his lips to Luke's. His fingers returned to Luke's hole as he circled it again, getting it shiny and wet before carefully putting pressure onto it. Luke's hole was tight and hot around his fingertip but he could still feel that Luke was tense. "Relax Lukey." Michael instructed as he quickly melted their mouths together again. Eventually Luke was relaxed enough that Michael could gently begin to put more of his middle finger into the warm heat. Luke threw his head back and it hit the pillow as he let out his loudest moan yet and Michael smirked as he slid his finger down to the second knuckle. Both boys were sweating now with a mixture of lust and tension and Michael stopped to admire how Luke's wet hole seemed to swallow up his finger and he watched as he placed a second at his entrance.  
"You ready for another Luke?" Michael cooed, concern seeping into his tone. Luke just panted with barely audible noises of words like 'more' and 'please' and Michael took that as a positive sign. Michael delicately pressed his pointer finger next to the other as he drew it out and pushed them both back in. Luke hissed at the sudden sting of the two fingers and before he could even blink, Michael was above him asking questions.

"Lukey, do you want me to stop? Do you want me to take it out baby?" Michael murmured as he pressed soft, loving kisses around Luke's face and stilled his fingers.  
"No,'m okay, just a bit weird." Luke breathed as Michael was looking down on him with a slight hint of worry lacing into his gaze. Just to see what type of reaction it initiated, Michael pushed his fingers in a little and Luke let out an almost breathless moan and Michael became a bit more sure as he slowly sunk his fingers down. He could sense that there were still some uneasy feelings coming from Luke so he began to press soft, light kisses to Luke's dick. Luke immediately perked up as his hands flew down to tangle in the slightly knotted mass of Michael's hair and this enabled him to move the two fingers deep enough so that only the knuckle was pressing against Luke's entrance as he blew him. His tongue swiped along the slit as he hollowed his cheeks and began to bob his head and Luke cried out at the sudden pleasure. Michael scissored his fingers apart and although the discomfort was still present, it was drowned out by Michael's hot, wet mouth engulfing his dick and surrounding it as his tongue skilfully licked up the underside, along the vein. Michael knew that the only way he could make the stretch pleasurable for Luke was to find his prostate. Tenderly, he felt around Luke's walls and suddenly he hit the spot and Luke's back arched off the bed as Michael pulled off his dick.  
“'s that your spot baby?” Michael teased as he watched the younger boy writhe and thrash around as he ceaselessly rubbed it and Luke saw stars. Michael took the opportunity to add in a third finger, to make sure Luke was prepared and although there was still some resistance, Luke seemed to find the extra finger pleasurable and moaned for more. Suddenly, Michael had an idea as he leaned down and whispered into Luke's ear.

“Need you to answer me Lukey, are you sure you're clean?” Michael asked as Luke nodded, this seemed to be enough for Michael as he then went on.  
“Wanna get you more wet and ready for my cock Lukey, wanna eat you out.”  
Luke seemed to love the idea as he let out a filthy groan and spread his legs wider so Michael could move in between them. Michael travelled down and lifted Luke's long legs up and over his shoulders so he had better access to Luke's entrance. Softly, he swiped his tongue in between his fingers and Luke jolted and jerked over the new sensation. Michael gathered that Luke enjoyed it so he became more confident and began to lick past the tight rim. He pulled his fingers out and stretched Luke's hole with his thumbs as he began roughly fucking into Luke with his tongue, not really knowing what he was doing but acting on the almost pornographic noises leaving Luke's wet lips.

“Fuck, M-Mikey, jesus, feels so fucking good.” Luke shouted as his body shook with the hot waves of fire and pleasure radiating through his body. He gripped Michael's hair and pushed his face deeper as he couldn't control his body. The noises and words leaving Luke's dirty mouth went straight to Michael's, almost forgotten, dick and Michael began to grind down on the mattress of the bed to relieve the tension. Michael had almost forgotten in the heat of things to stop and he didn't realise until Luke was tugging frantically on his hair and he felt Luke's legs shaking that he was about to cum. He didn't realise quick enough as Luke screamed his name and arched his back. Michael looked up just in time to see Luke's face scrunch up and his cock twitch, sending hot pulses of cum over Luke's chest. Michael felt Luke's walls clamping down and twitching around his tongue as he licked Luke through his orgasm, making sure his tongue was as deep as he could get it. 

Once the relentless squirming of Luke's body had stopped and the panting had quietened, the room went quiet and awkward. “'m sorry Mikey, I didn't mean to, it just, it got too much.” Luke whispered sadly and Michael scooped him up, grabbing a tissue and wiping Luke's cum from his chest.  
“Shhh, baby, it's okay, we'll just go for round two, it was so hot Lukey, you were so beautiful, look so beautiful when you cum for me.” Michael softly whispered in reply to Luke as he brushed his blonde hair away from his sweaty face. Luke smiled up at his boyfriend and wondered how he got so lucky. As he shifted he felt Michael's boner pressing into his side and smirked.  
“Wanna take care of you now Mikey, gonna make you feel so good.” Luke smiled as he gestured for Michael to lie with his back down on the bed. Luke immediately wasted no time in kissing Michael passionately as he slipped his tongue into Michael's mouth and their tongues massaged each others. Luke's hand slid down and grasped Michael's erection as Michael gasped at the sudden contact. Luke quickly picked up the discarded bottle and drizzled some lube into his palm as he jerked Michael off messily and kissed him. Michael groaned at the pleasure and bucked his hips to as he tried to get more contact.

“L-Lukey, if you don't s-stop. 'm gonna c-cum.” Michael warned as the pleasure from seeing Luke come undone and the hand on his dick was getting all too much and he didn't want to make the same mistake as he had done with Luke (although it wasn't really a mistake as he got to see Luke's orgasm face, that's never a bad thing). Luke withdrew his hand and Michael squirmed as he tried to find the friction he so desperately wanted.  
“Patience Mikey.” Luke teased, gaining confidence.

He moved down to the beautiful pale skin of Michael's thighs and gently rubbed his thumb comfortingly over Michael's hipbone. He started by pressing soft, feather-light kisses around the inner parts of Michael's thighs before Michael became restless and Luke bit down sharply, creating a bruise as Michael let out a deep moan. He soothed over the tender skin with slow drags of his tongue and presses of his lips before repeating the motion elsewhere until Michael's thighs were covered in bruises and Luke was smiling at the whimpering mess he had created. Making his way up, he got to Michael's ear.

“I'm ready for round 2 Mikey, want you to wreck me.” At this, Michael flipped and he tossed Luke back onto the bed as he hovered over him again. He reached his fingers down and saw that Luke needed a little more fingering and he made quick work of lubing up his fingers and sliding them in once again, this time teasing Luke by skilfully avoiding his prostate.  
“Mikey, need you, want you, 'm ready.” Luke blabbered, not making much sense in the haze of his new pleasure.  
“Okay baby, are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” Michael asked a final time, wanting to make sure both him and Luke were giving consent. Luke nodded, giving a clear yes and Michael knew that this was it, he was about to take Luke's virginity and he had to remember to take care of his boy. Michael leant down and kissed Luke, but this time was not sexual, it was to remind Luke that he loved him, with all his heart and with that thought in his mind Michael picked up the condom which had been placed ready for easy access on the nightstand. Luke looked up into Michael's eyes as he carefully tore the condom open and saw that the usual emerald green had been replaced with the dark black of his pupils. Michael pinched the end and rolled the condom down his hard length as Luke grabbed a fluffy pillow and hoisted it under his hips, then brought his arms to hang loosely around Michael's neck. Michael positioned the head of his dick at Luke's tight hole and waited as they pressed their sweaty foreheads together and Michael pushed in.

Luke immediately let out a hiss at the burn and Michael was the first to start rubbing circles into Luke's skin with his thumb. Luke squeezed his eyes shut tightly as Michael carried on sliding himself into Luke. Eventually Michael bottomed out and let out the loudest groan yet as all he could think of was the clenching of Luke's inner walls around his dick and how fucking good it would feel to slam back in and bury his dick so far into Luke he felt it a week layer. Michael knew he had to stop thinking about things like that and desperately try not to pound into Luke however that was not the easiest of tasks. He decided to see how Luke looked and if he'd have to stop.

“Lukey- fuck- baby, are you okay?” Michael asked quietly.  
“I-It really fucking hurts.” Luke laughed breathlessly and Michael had to stop himself from cooing at Luke as he was clearly trying not to cry. His eyes were very glassed over and he was tearing his lip apart with how hard he was biting it.  
“I know baby, it'll be okay, say when you want me to move Lukey, I love you.” Michael said as calmingly as possible as he knew this must be scary for Luke.  
“I love you too Mikey, fuck.” Luke replied, letting emotion seep into his voice. A few seconds passed until Luke finally looked up at Michael and he brushed Luke's hair out of his face, it was then Luke nodded and at that moment Michael had never been more in love, Luke looked so vulnerable and open and he completely trusted Michael and that was what drove him on, he needed to pleasure Luke. Show him how much he loved him, and with those thoughts Michael pulled back and thrust forward into Luke's tight heat.

“Oh fuck Mikey, feels amazing, more, n-need more, jesus.” Luke choked out as his hands scrambled to scratch on the delicate skin of Michael's chiselled back.  
“Fuck, 's okay baby, I got you, feels so fucking good, love you Lukey, so tight for me.” Michael rambled as he clenched his jaw at the sensation surrounding his dick. Gently Luke took one of his hands and placed to around the bottom of Michaels face, under his chin. He pulled Michael's face to look at him and leaned forward, kissing him until neither of them could breathe and were drowning in the overwhelming love they felt for each other. It was then that Michael hit exactly the perfect angle and Luke's body trembled as Michael continued to hit the spot he had just discovered.  
“There we go baby, wanna make you feel good, so good to me Lukey, you're so good to me.” Michael whispered into Luke's neck as he buried his face into it, pressing kisses there and inhaling Luke's perfect scent.

All of a sudden Michael had an idea, as Luke was rapidly approaching his climax Michael gently picked up Luke's arm and began placing loving kisses to the faded scars of his name, this is what made Luke cry as he tumbled over the edge untouched and wrapped in a blanket of love and comfort. Tears came streaming down his face as his dick began spurting out cum and Michael quickly grabbed Luke's dick to finish him off as he pressed soft kisses to the tears on Luke's face. It was then that Michael came, releasing his load into the condom.  
“Oh fuck yes, that's it, oh f-fuck.” Michael groaned as his hips snapped up one timal time and he struggled to not collapse onto Luke. Both boys were breathless as Michael gently pulled out and Luke winced. Michael pulled the condom off and tied the end, putting it in the general direction of the bin. He then pulled Luke in tight with his arms around Luke's middle as he was still crying and Michael whispered soothing thoughts into Luke's ear.  
That was the sixth time Luke saw tears.

 

Then the next time was when he was gathered around the circular, red kitchen table with his family, his siblings and his parents looking very concerned. He had decided just a few weeks after he lost his virginity to Michael that he was going to come out to his family. This was a crucial moment for not only the present but also the future and Luke wished he hadn't told Michael that he could do it on his own because he had no idea of what to say or how to even begin to approach the subject. Luckily he had clutched in his sweaty hands a little note Michael had made for him to give him some guidance and he was incredibly thankful for his boyfriend. Noticing his shaking hands he decided to get it over with so, with nerves licking at his every breath, he started to talk.

“I, um, I don't know how to say this, o-or how you'll react but, I just hope that you can accept me a-after I have told you this.” Luke started as he kept nervously clearing his throat and stuttering. He continued, unsure of how this was going to go.  
“I have known this since I was 11 and it has b-been with me every day since then, a-and I know I should have said this sooner b-but I wanted to wait for the right time and, um, now seemed like the, the, erm, right time. Well, I guess I s-should just, just s-say it.” Luke said, his voice breaking as he felt himself welling up. He knew this was something that needed to be done and now really was the best time however the words got lodged in the back of his throat as his siblings looked to him confused and his parents looked on with worry and it was then that Luke finally said what he had been holding in all his life.  
“I'm, well, um, I'm- I'm gay.”

The tension in the room was like fog, thick and hazy as a few tears rolled down Luke's red cheeks. Time seemed to stop for Luke as he stared at his large hands and watched his fingers vibrate with pure fear. He didn't want to look up at his parents reaction as he feared the worst and tears began to drip in the same way as they had done in front of Michael when they were 15. He decided to brave it and look up and he didn't like what he saw at all.

The look of disappointment in his father's tired eyes, the look of shock in his mother's. His siblings were smiling sympathetically and Jack even came round to loosely hug him however one by one they each left the table, leaving Luke sitting on his own as he covered his face with his hands and sobbed loudly into them. He had messed it up, he had done this, this was his fault. Why did he have to be this way? All those thoughts plagued his dark mind as he left the house, tears streaming like a river down his face and slammed the door shut. He went to the only place he felt safe anymore, Michael's.  
That was the seventh time Luke saw tears.

 

The next time was merely a few hours later when, after taking a long detour through a park hoping the sweet smell of the freshly cut grass would clear his mind (it didn't), he arrived at Michael's door. His fist banged on the brown, chipped wood and he glared at the rusty numbers hung just above him, hoping his boyfriend would answer soon. Seconds later he heard rustling as someone scrambled to get the key into the door and he began crying again in pure relief as the door swung open. Michael stood in his Nike sweatpants and dirty, extra large Green Day top that was slightly ripped in places and hung loosely from his tall frame. Luke immediately fell into Michael's open arms, collapsing into the warmth as both he and Michael fell down to the wooden covered floor. Michael leaned forward and pushed the front door shut as he picked Luke up and cradled him close in his arms.

“Lukey, my baby, sweetheart what's wrong?” Michael said as he carefully rocked Luke back and forth and pressed caring kisses to his forehead. Luke could barely speak but he managed to get out words like 'parents' 'disapprove' 'failure' and Michael realised what had happened as he cooed at the boy and tried to calm him down however Luke was only getting worse, his loud sobs echoing through the house and his breathing laboured and unsteady.  
“Baby, gonna need you to breathe for me okay, c'mon Lukey, I'm here, I've got you, shhhh sweetheart.” Michael whispered and when Luke started saying he couldn't breathe Michael knew Luke was entering into a panic attack.

Michael shouted for his mum who came rushing out of the front room, she leant over the boys with a look of concentration on her face as she knelt down beside her son and looked at the blonde boy. She started talking to Luke however he couldn't find a break in his sobs to give any reply and Michael's mum knew she would need to get something to calm him down. She told Michael to take Luke into the front room and Michael cautiously gripped the boy tighter and walked him down the hallway. He then sat with him on one of the big, black leather sofas and held him close, constantly kissing Luke's face and reminding him he loved him.

Michael's mum then came back in with a glass of water and some tissues as she helped Michael sit Luke upright and pressed the glass to his shaking lips. Michael took the glass off his mum and began to gently pour tiny amounts of water into Luke's mouth as Luke's hands were too shaky to do so himself and Michael's mum gently wiped away some of the tears on Luke's cheeks as, together, they eventually got Luke to calm down and talk, although tears were still a near constant stream down his face.  
That was the eighth time Luke saw tears.

 

The next time was on Valentines Day when Luke was 18. He was being led somewhere by Michael but there was one of Michael's bandanas covering his eyes which meant all he could see was complete darkness. Being the impatient person he is, Luke whined all the way.  
“Michael when are we gonna get there?” and Michael giggled at the child-like phrase and replied with a 'soon Luke' as he had answered the question multiple times already. As he carefully guided Luke his mind wandered to Luke's reaction and he smiled widely at the thought of Luke when he's excited. He starts jumping and clapping and his face resembles that of the emoji with the big smile and teeth. Michael loves it when Luke's happy and he loves it even more when he's the reason for Luke's happiness.

“Lukey?” Michael said in a questioning tone.  
“Yes Mikey?” Luke replied in a worried voice as Michael laughed.  
“Just wanted to say that I love you baby.” Michael beamed fondly as he looked down at Luke.  
“Awh baby that's so sweet, I love you too, wait, come kiss me, I don't know where you a-” Luke was cut off by Michael pressing his lips to Luke's passionately. Michael caressed Luke's face as he slightly parted his mouth and Luke slipped his tongue in. They made out gently with soothing licks of tongues and relaxed breaths until they pulled away, pressing quick and chaste kisses to each other's lips.  
“Someone's a bit needy!” Luke joked as Michael took Luke's hand and led him to the place he had been leading up to all night. Michael smiled widely as the sun was just setting and all his hard work had paid off as the setting was truly beautiful.

“Okay Lukey, let me take off your blindfold.” Michael said as he stood behind Luke, one arm firmly wrapped around his slender waist as he reached in front to pull off the bandana. Luke's eyes opened and he was met by one of the most incredible sights he had ever seen. It was the edge of a forest and all the trees had heart shaped lights strung from various branches. The floor was not only covered in a red blanket but also had candles surrounding the edges of the fabric. A heart shaped hamper was displayed and two meals lay placed on the ground. Luke looked at the sunset which made the whole scene picturesque and admired the carvings of 'Michael <3 Luke' that were scratched perfectly into the rough bark of some of the trees. Luke turned around to Michael, shock written all over his face and hugged him tightly.  
“Oh my god Michael! This is so perfect, you did this all for me?!” Luke exclaimed excitedly and Michael just looked down at the stunning boy and smiled.  
“Of course I did it for you, my wonderful, gorgeous Lukey, so lucky to have you, 'm so lucky.” Michael confessed and Luke leaned up and kissed him as he squeezed Michael tightly.

“I'm the lucky one Mikey, you are so beautiful, and you're all mine.” Luke marvelled as he stared into Michael's eyes and wondered how he ever got so lucky to have the most loving boy on the planet to call his own. He was quickly taken out of his thoughts by Michael.  
“We should eat, we don't want the food going off!” He joked as he picked Luke up bridal style and Luke squeaked in shock at being swept off his feet. Michael placed him down on the blanket and sat opposite him as they ate their food and Michael immediately picked some up onto his fork and fed it to Luke, Luke just giggled at the pure cheesiness of it all.

Once they were done and were sat staring up at the few stars starting to appear in the harsh black of the night, Michael remembered the whole idea of the trip and fished for the piece of paper stuffed into the back pocket of his skinny jeans. He moved to sit in front of Luke and Luke just looked confused but before he could question in Michael started to talk, reading off the crumpled piece of paper in his shaking hands.  
“Luke, it's been 3 years since we first kissed, even longer since I first met you and for as long as I've had the pleasure of being around you, I've been in love with you and as each day passes I fall more for you. Your morning voice is the most beautiful sound and your smile is the most beautiful sight and I'm so lucky I get to call you my home. I know you've been through your bad times and nothing has been more of an honour than to comfort you through them. Luke, you are my sunshine, my moon and all of my stars and this valentines day I wanted to do something special to show you just how much I love you Lucas Robert Hemmings,” Michael gulped as this was it. He reached into the basket and pulled out a box as he handed it to Luke.

As Luke opened the box, Michael asked the question he'd been waiting all night to ask.  
“Lukey, will you come live with me?” Inside was a key to an apartment Michael had bought a few weeks ago. It was then, as Luke looked up at a hopeful Michael, that he began to cry as he shouted 'yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!' and Michael let out a huge breath he didn't realise he had been holding in as Luke leapt into his arms and cried tears of happiness.  
That was the ninth time Luke saw tears.

 

The next time Luke saw tears was when he finally went to his first gig (at 21! TWENTY ONE! Luke thought that was just insanely unfair) as Michael had got them both tickets to Green Day in London and Luke had screamed when Michael first told Luke that they had got them the second they went on sale. They hugged and danced and spent every waking second with Green Day blasting from their apartment excitedly and now they were standing in the queue with their matching ripped Green Day 'Dookie' shirts. Luke bounced excitedly and kept kissing Michael as thank you and even though it got them more than a few strange glances from the people around them, Michael didn't mind and watched in amusement and adoration as Luke rambled about how he's fancied Billie Joe for years. When the doors opened Luke let out a squeal of delight and the people in front of them turned and gave him a dirty look, Michael simply pulled Luke closer and turned into the 'you wanna mess with my boyfriend, I will fucking kill you' Michael and the guys let out a sigh before moving forward as Luke seemed oblivious and was still rambling on.

Once they got inside the venue, it was cramped and sweaty and very loud. Michael pulled Luke over to the side of the stage by a security guard and Luke looked at Michael with a confused expression as they were supposed to be getting their spot at the barrier right now. Michael stood, fiddling around with the zips on his backpack and cursing himself until finally he dug out two laminated passes and flashed them to security. Both boys followed the corridor and stopped underneath a big black sign saying 'VIP queue'. Luke turned to Michael who was smirking, not saying anything and looking at Luke through the corner of his eye.  
“Michael, tell me you didn't.” Luke said, sounding intensely serious. Michael just turned to Luke and held out his pass, he winked and pulled Luke closer.  
“I SO did.” Michael answered jokingly in a sarcastic voice and before Michael could reply, Luke screamed which meant more looks from the people around them but right now neither of the boys could care as Luke was literally (as he put it) dying.

“Babe! I can't believe it oh my god, a-are we gonna meet t-them?” Luke exclaimed as his eyes went wide with realisation, Michael nodded giving a confirming 'mhmm' and Luke nearly fell to the floor as his hands covered his mouth and he leant against the wall to support himself. Michael didn't realise Luke was in shock however as he thought Luke was having a panic attack and was immediately at Luke's side trying to calm him.  
“Baby? Oh my god Luke I'm so sorry it was meant to be a good surprise! Are you okay Lukey? Can you hear me? It's okay sweetheart, just breathe.” Michael gushed and Luke simply leapt into Michael repeating thank you's over and over. Michael was so relieved as he picked Luke up and put him on his waist and they kissed sweetly. A few people started to clap which had Luke burying his face into the crook of Michael's neck in embarrassment of him being such a fanboy and Michael looked over at his boy and laughed as Luke's face emerged bright red. Michael's hand slid down to his pocket just to double check something and then suddenly the queue started moving in and Luke's eyes went almost comically wide as he started freaking out.

Michael simply kissed Luke's cheek and rubbed his back assuring him that, yes, Billie Joe would like his outfit and yes, his hair does look okay. Before either of them knew it they were standing at the door and a few people away from meeting their idols and Luke literally couldn't contain himself. Michael turned to Luke with a mock hurt face.  
“How come you weren't this excited when I asked you to move in with me?” Michael thought it was a funny joke but Luke brushed off the comment in favour of telling Michael how amazing Billie Joe's hair looked today. Michael shrugged off the comment as he had slightly bigger plans right now and the pressure was starting to show as he turned to the camera guy and nodded, signalling they would need to start filming in a minute. He just hoped this went well, he'd been planning it long enough.

They approached the band and Luke was being his usual fanboy self. Tre looked to Michael and let his eyes flick between him and Luke and Michael nodded, pulling an over exaggerated scared face that made Tre laugh. Once Luke had finished his talk telling the band how much they mean to him, Billie Joe stepped in to help Michael out as Michael was just waiting to get a word in edgeways. “Erm, Michael, mate, don't you have something you wanna say?” Billie Joe turned to Michael and smiled knowingly and Luke looked blank at Michael. Michael turned to face Luke and the room suddenly went deathly quiet. Michael took a big deep breath as everyone in the room's eyes were fixed on him. He took Luke's hand in his own and started.

“Luke, my one and only, my beautiful boy. I need to give another one of these speeches and I know you laugh because they are cheesy but you secretly love them, I know you do. Lucas Hemmings, where do I start? I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember and you have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me, this is by far the biggest thing I have done yet and I'm doing this to prove to you how much I love you baby, I love you more than the breakfast you cook me every Sunday morning because you know I hate Mondays, I love you more than the sight of the sunrise out of our window every day, I love you more than our late night walks to the park around the corner, I love you more than you love playing that one song on guitar even though you insist you're terrible yet you keep playing it, I love you more than you love Green Day even though I do fear you love Green Day more than me, I love you more than anything else on this planet and I can't ever thank you enough that you have stuck by me through everything and that you love me even if I sometimes still don't see why. Luke, I wanted to do this with the 3 people you love most around you and even though I hate to admit it, I probably don't even come into that list! I love you my gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful, incredible baby and,” Michael gently knelt down on one knee with Luke's hand still clasped in his and pulled out a velvet red box.

That was the moment it hit Luke what was really happening and he began to cry as the band watched on smiling. Michael stopped for a second to admire the beautiful look on Luke's face and the amazing energy of everyone in the room as he knew this was the moment he was gonna remember and that Luke was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he said that one sentence everyone was waiting for.  
“Lucas Robert Hemmings, will you do me the honour of marrying me?” He said as he opened the box to reveal an engraved ring made out of silver and everyone around them clapped however time stopped for the two boys. Luke looked into Michael's eyes and knew that he was completely, insanely, obsessively in love with him as he shouted 'yes' at the top of his voice and everyone cheered. Michael slid the silver band onto Luke's finger before picking him up and spinning him around as both boys cried. Once Michael put Luke back on the ground they kissed and kissed until they were out of breath and suddenly they had 3 bodies wrestling them to the floor as Billie Joe, Tre and Mike all hugged and congratulated them.  
That was the tenth time Luke saw tears.

 

The next time Luke saw tears was when Michael had stormed out of their apartment in a rage and Luke was left standing in the middle of the kitchen. The only thing that was echoing in Luke's mind were the angry words that left Michael's mouth in a heated argument. You see, Luke had borrowed Michael's favourite shirt and may have accidentally ripped a giant hole all through the front. Michael had warned Luke that that was his favourite shirt and Luke had just made a joking comment about the fact that he will look after it well and when Michael returned from the shops to find Luke desperately trying to sew it together again, he had been incredibly angry. It went something like this.

“Luke, for god sake you knew that was my favourite shirt, they don't even sell it anymore.” Michael had shouted at Luke, his hands holding what was left of the soft fabric as he got more frustrated each time he looked at it.  
“I'm sorry Michael, I didn't mean to, the knife just slipped!” Luke argued with a sigh, he had been trying to cook and he was lucky he didn't slice the knife straight through him. Right now though, that was seeming like a better alternative.  
“For god's sake Luke, I told you to be careful!” Michael moaned, frustrated as he put his face into his hands.  
“Michael, it's not my fault!” Luke exclaimed as Michael paced the room. The tension was thick in the air and Luke knew the neighbours were going to be able to hear this.  
“No, Luke but that's the thing, it's never your fault! I loved that shirt and now its completely ruined and I can't get another one, all this AFTER I told you to be careful with my fucking shirt.” Michael ranted as Luke's anger rose.  
“Michael, it's just a shirt!” Luke shouted angrily, which he later regretted, and Michael lost it as he saw red.  
“If it was just a shirt, why did you borrow it then? Do you know what, I'm done with this, you looked bad in it in the first place anyway, just like you always do in my shirts. When will you learn they're mine for a reason, Luke.” Michael screamed as he stormed out and slammed the wooden door harshly behind him.

It felt like the world had just stopped and Luke's brain was still rushing to catch up. The last sentence repeatedly played in Luke's mind as he sat down for a minute to let all of Michael's words sink in. Michael knew that any insult on Luke's looks was a low blow as it confirmed one of Luke's weakest thoughts. In the upset of it all, Luke hurriedly ran straight into the cramped bathroom and straight for the rusty cabinet that was placed above the sink, He knew this was wrong but that part got quickly dismissed as he pulled out his old friend. He knew he shouldn't but the flashbacks of the bullying were plaguing his mind and it brought back the emptiness in his heart and the lonely sickness in his stomach as he finally, after such a long time, returned to the blade. He couldn't even find it in himself to care that he was being weak and breaking his pact with Michael, Michael promised to care for him and tell him he was beautiful and look where that got him. He slid it across his skin more times than he can count in his upset haze and he sat and watched the droplets of blood bubble to the surface of his thin wrists as he cried. He didn't bother to wipe away either of the two substances as it represented how he felt, like he was drowning. There was a teasing voice in his head mocking him, 'Michael thinks you're ugly' as he whimpered and sobbed. Sitting there, every dark thought he managed to get rid of, clawed it's way back and consumed Luke. Every minute felt like a day as he just clenched his teeth an enjoyed the look of the blood dripping off him. He was stuck in his own mind for so long until eventually he figured it was late so he got up, not bothering to clean his wrist and got straight into bed.

He managed to sleep in 10 minute intervals in the moments the thoughts dulled but his body was still telling him, 'you're bleeding, you need to stop, you're loosing blood'. He curled up into a self-protecting ball just as he heard the creak of the front door opening and he began to cry more, the reminder of Michael tearing himself apart more than he ha done to the shirt. After a few minutes of shuffling around coming from the living room, Michael finally opened the bedroom door as a harsh crack of light shone through making Luke press his eyes tightly shut. As Michael shut the door and got into bed, Luke tried to make his crying silent however Michael could tell Luke was upset. He decided the best course of action was to just cuddle Luke and talk about it in the morning however when he lovingly wrapped his arms around Luke's middle he felt a cold, wet patch in the front of his pyjama's and on his wrists.

“Luke, why is your shirt wet?” Michael whispered from behind Luke. Luke had to press his lips together and fight the wave of tears that was coming as he ignored him. Luke knew it was the blood but he had gotten used to (and quite liked) the feeling of his heavily bleeding wrists seeping through his cotton shirt. Michael got up to turn the light on and Luke immediately panicked shouting out a rushed 'no'.  
“What? I just wanna see why there's a huge wet patch Luke.” Michael said sternly and Luke knew he had to think of a lie and fast.  
“Was just tears Michael, I was crying.” Luke lied easily and Michael seemed to believe it as he turned and walked out of the room. He couldn't bear the thought of how much Luke had been left, alone and crying, without him there to help.

Luke quietly sighed in relief at the fact that he could store this all away and deal with it tomorrow. It was only when he heard a loud shout of 'fuck' coming from the kitchen that he figured Michael had probably found out somehow. Luke was right, as when Michael had got to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of milk he looked down and saw his hands stained with blood. Luke knew Michael was going to turn the light on and he curled up in an even smaller ball trying to prepare himself, his heart racing in his chest as he begged for it all to go away. Michael did exactly what Luke was expecting as he barged in and turned on the light seeing Luke lying in a pool of his own blood that was staining their crisp white sheets and duvet.

“Luke, why is there blood everywhere?” Michael demanded. Luke stayed silent. He could hear his heavy breathing and the curses muttered under Michael's breath.  
“Luke, why the fuck did I come home to my boyfriend lying in a pool of his own fucking blood.” Michael asked slowly and angrily. He couldn't believe after all this time, one fight had made Luke this bad. It was then that Luke cried again as his body begun to shake. The atmosphere was tense as, for a while, neither boy moved and that only made Luke begin to sob more with thoughts that Michael was going to leave him again, or even worse, say something again. Eventually Michael couldn't stand seeing the boy he loved upset and he walked over to Luke's side of the bed, crouching down beside him so they were face to face.  
“Lukey, let me see.” Michael said calmly as he stared at the quivering boy, his face coated in a sheen of red and his eyes blotchy from the relentless rubbing. Luke simply shook his head, letting out a few more sobs.  
“Please Luke.” Michael pleaded, hoping his desperation would work. A few seconds passed as Luke weighed up the options in his head but decided he had to face this eventually.

Luke gently fumbled around to lay his wrist out as blood still poured from it and dripped gruesomely onto the carpet. Michael couldn't even see a patch of Luke's milky white skin as it was smeared red. It was then the tears began to run down Michael's face, he couldn't cope with seeing Luke in such a state. Heart racing and head spinning, he ran straight out of the door and into the bathroom and leaned over the toilet before loudly vomiting into the bowl, pretty much everything he'd eaten that day came back up and Michael couldn't stop it if he tried. The heart-wrenching noises echoed in the bathroom as Michael desperately tried to get the image out of his mind long enough to stop the sickness. Michael began to sob as he gagged and coughed until all he could do was rest his sweaty forehead on the ice cold porcelain and wonder where it all went wrong.

After a few minutes of silence Luke walked into the bathroom to see Michael in one of the worst states Luke had ever seen him in.  
“Michael, d-do you need me to get you anything?” Luke asked, trying to keep it together as Michael looked over to him. Luke had to stop himself from gasping as Michael was an absolute wreck. He has tears and snot dribbling down his face, vomit still clung to his lips and chin and his eyes were glassy and blood red. Michael's voice was rough and scratchy as he could only manage one sentence before feeling like he was going to be sick again.

“'m fine, clean your wrist Luke.”  
Luke obliged as he walked over to the small sink and turned the tap on, hissing at the burning of the water hitting the open wounds. He grabbed the ointment from the shelf and rubbed it on his skin as he carefully wrapped a bandage around his arm and shut the cabinet door. Michael still lay, splayed out, on the floor and Luke had no clue of what to do. It was Michael who spoke up first, finally having the courage to say some of the things going on in his head.  
“'m sorry I failed you Luke.” He apologised, defeated.  
“Michael don't talk rubbish, you haven't failed me, I failed myself.” Luke admitted as he tenderly walked over and crouched lower next to Michael, placing a loving hand on the middle of his back.  
“It was me though, wasn't it, I was the reason you- the reason you.” Michael trailed off, not able to finish the sentence without wanting to lean over and vomit again. Luke knew he couldn't lie because Michael would see straight through it so he decided it would be better to ignore the comment no matter how much it made Luke want to pull Michael into his arms and assure him over and over that it was a stupid mistake.

“Lets go to bed Mikey, we can talk in the morning.” Luke coaxed as he gestured for Michael to stand up with him, Michael wasn't having it though, he continued.  
“Luke, don't bullshit me, I was the reason, wasn't I Luke? I failed you and you hurt yourself and it's all my fault, I was so stupid Luke and now you have scars and it's me, me that put them there” Michael gushed as he sobbed and started pulling at anything he could reach, his shirt, his hair, even Luke, while rocking himself back and forth. Luke sat back down properly next to Michael and pulled him in gently, holding him tightly in his arms and whispering comforting words like 'shhh it's okay Mikey' and ' I'm here'. Before Michael looked up to Luke and kissed his cheek, pressing his chapped lips there for a few seconds before pulling back.  
“I love you Luke, I'm sorry.” He whispered and Luke simply leaned down to Michael's forehead, as tears rolled down his face, and pressed his lips there for the same amount of time as he replied.  
“I love you too Mikey, I'm sorry.”  
That was the eleventh time Luke saw tears.

 

Now, at my wedding, this is the last time I've seen tears, luckily these were good ones! That was it, that was my story so far, I wanted to thank you to my gorgeous husband Michael for his everlasting support, love and kindness and hopefully I will only be seeing happy tears from this point onwards!” Luke laughed as he finished his wedding speech and pulled Michael up as everyone made a toast to Mr and Mr Clifford-Hemmings. Luke had spent hours writing the retelling of their story in his speech and now it was over he felt a little disappointed but as people congratulated him on the amazing and emotional (and slightly rude!) speech and his husband looked at him with love filling his eyes, Luke knew that even though that story was over, he had an even bigger one heading his way and he sure as hell couldn't wait to write this one.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it and any feedback would be appreciated! Like I said my twitter is @cutierobandrich if you want to chat. I will hopefully be posting more oneshots and stories so if anyone wants to request anything let me know, I also am currently writing a Larry fanfiction for any One Direction fans out there! I can't thank you enough for paying any attention to my work, I just hoped you enjoyed reading it. Please do let me know! Thank you again,  
> L :) xxx


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